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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Awesome story! good job.
Content was awesome, looks like a perfect or close to perfect start to a nice nasty plot.
Only thing is watch out for that detail. Lots of detail is good, but lots of detail in one scene and none in another is not that attractive. Im not saying you have done that its just a helpful reminder.
You may want to add a bit more detail though.
And i think thats all!
Awesome job! please please PM when you get more chapters up.
Hi, I'll review you today!
This should be italizied. I'll not mention that anymore.First of all, thoughts.
Cool is more of a comfortable term. I'd switch this to "Cold" or "Freezing". You could also remove "uncomfortably".
Delete one of the "panics". It was a bit repetitive. Also, as Rosey pointed out, the life of a warrior is not peaceful.
You've used "rasping" already. You can nix it, because you only need one really good description. Also, you've already said the voice was behind her. Describe her movement, or the movement of the voice. That can be done easily in one sentence, like, "She felt a wind as the voice appeared to move."
At the beginning of this sentence, you used "Your". It should have been "You're", meaning "You are." That happens a few times, but I'll only say it once. Every time you see that, ask yourselk if you could use the words "You are" instead.
Comma there.
I like this story! It's got a very good fantasy element, with good characters, settings, and plot. Please PM me when you write more!
Hiya Faia! I'm Rosey, and I'll be reviewing this work today.
~ Since these are her thoughts, they should be in italics.
~ I'm not to fond of seeing "hell" in fantasy. "Hell" is a rather Earth-bound term, with Christianity and all, so seeing it in a fantasy where there is no Christianity is jerky. That goes for your use of "hell" throughout the work, as well as "damn," since that's another Christan thing. (Note- I won't be pointing out all the swearing in here, just because there is a lot. Almost too much)
If she's trained as a warrior, how can her life be peaceful? Since women were rarely allowed to be warriors, I'd think her life is pretty threat-ridden if she's trained as a warrior.
With that first line, you seem to imply that she's had other names.
This comma isn't needed.
Thoughts again. Every time you see "I" in a line, since this is third person, you need to put those lines in italics. (This will be the last time I point that out)
You could loose the quotes around this line. They aren't needed.
I'd make this description have slightly shorter sentences, so it's not so hard to read.
You just said she'd been blindfolded in the paragraph beforehand.
~ If speaking hurts, why is he talking so much? (And, why is she talking so much, for that matter)
~ I'm not completely sure who's talking. Add a tag to this line so we know.
I'd explain why they have school in a town, and why a girl is attending it. Back in the day, private tutors would only educate the upper-class.
In this line, you imply that Shalan is the main language of the land. I'd clear that up, so we aren't left wondering what each language means.
"Now" is a bit repetitive here.
"Time" is a bit repetitive here.
This line was implied by the fact she was blinded when she opened her eyes. You can nix it.
"Even" is a bit repetitive here.
I'd delete the "and" here and replace it with a period.
When she gets out, it seems to be no effort. I'd add on to the description of her getting out (making it seem more painful), so this line doesn't seem to redundant.
This is a problem I've noticed in the second part (when she's in the cell). You use long, rather hard to read sentences. Loose some of the "and"s and other connective words so things are easier to read.
"Arms" is a bit repetitive here.
This line is what I call "double tagged," which is when you have a description of the person speaking before and after the dialogue. I'd put the dialogue on a new line, just so that doesn't happen. ^_^
I believe she's telling this to herself? If that case, it's a thought. *Points to nit-pick about about thoughts*
Where had she been lead to believe that he'd been hurt badly? (It really feels like I'm missing something there...)
To avoid that, add in more explanation before.
I don't think "Fall" is the right adjective here. It implies that Faia doesn't care if his already banged-up head gets banged around more, when you've told us that she does care. Replace the adjective, please. ^_^
"Started"
The order of these phrases feels off. I'd rewrite is as: "She looked around the cell for something to stop the bleeding, not expecting to find anything."
The italicized word is where I fixed a typo, btw.
Since you called him "Gath" before, seeing his full name is a bit confusing.
*Since this work is a bit long, I'm going to stop my nit-pick review here. The recommended length for literary works is 1,500*
Sentence Lengths: A lot of your sentences in the cell scene were a bit long and hard to completely understand. At the moment, you need to read things twice to completely understand everything. Try to limit sentences to only two ideas. That way, readers can understand things more.
Realism: You're pretty good at having the world seem "natural" to the characters. That means they live their lives and they don't seem to know anything different. But, natural to the characters isn't necessarily natural to us. When a reader picks up a fantasy book that seems to be set in the Middle Ages, they expect ladies to stay at home, education to be poor, and a bunch of other stuff. Do some more research into what happened during the Middle Ages, and then add in whatever explanation/alteration that is needed.
I was put off by the amount of swearing in here. It's not so much the amount, but the words used. Since they are Christan in origin, and this world probably doesn't have Christianity, it seems like a bad mix.
The way people move and talk here, with injuries, feels a bit wrong. Readers begin to think that they're not hurt so badly if they can talk a lot if talking is painful, and they can get out of bonds while their shoulders hurt. Try to dig up some facts on the subject so your characters feel less super-human.
Overall: I enjoyed this! The plot flowed well and the writing style was smooth. There were some issues, but this idea has a lot of promise.
PM me if you have any questions, or if you want to ask about the norms for the time period.
~Rosey
You have a two different types of Point of View's. First person and third person limited. You got to stick to one point of view or it will distract you reader. Aside from that though it is written really well. The only problem I have is that it is written to averagely. Not the word choice, sentence structure, etc. But it just reminds me of other authors. Especially Herbie Brennan author of the Faerie Wars Chronicles. It is both fantasy and maybe that is why. But you and him have a very similar writing style. I like the way Ellen Hopkins writes. She wrote Crank, Identical, Glass, etc. (I don't know if you know what certain authors wrote ,so I include that in there.)